i just wanna vent about this girl i work with.

she's only just turned seventeen and she's already been engaged for seven months.

i was stalking her facebook. all she is, is a whore. i mean, seriously, if you think having your tongue down your 'fiance's' throat is love, then i think you're seriously deluded. i don't think you understand. you're so young and naive, and all he wants is sex.

i don't feel happy anymore. i don't know why, all i know is that my mind is playing with me again and things that should make me happy, aren't. i'm not okay. and with our conversation last night, it's just shattering my heart; slowly and painfully. and i don't like that.
things haven't been right between us for so long, and you know you're everything i want right now, and i know that the same for you, but if i'm not 100% what you want, then you should leave right now. i don't want my heart to be broken slowly, i'd rather it just shattered on the spot. i love you like there's no tomorrow, but i know i'm only your friend. things will never be right between us. we don't work as just friends, but we don't work as anything more. i want you. i want you in my life. i just don't know.

why does it feel as though you are with me, only to keep me happy?

i has your ring and it on my necklace. i don't see it moving from there anytime soon :)

i love you bub xoxox

don't go asking me shit like 'what would you do if i had feelings for someone else' because it hurts. ok. it makes me wonder why you're asking shit like that. i can't get out of you who your little crush is, but i know there is one. you go to work all dressed up; you're becoming more and more distant and you're asking questions like this. i just wanna know who it is...and 'cute hair guy' who you've never seen their face doesn't count. i know there is someone, i just don't know who yet...

i try do one thing you wanted done and you make it seem like i'm incapable. then you go ahead and hang up on me...three times...gee thanks. i miss you and i'm trying to do something for you...but no. but thats ok. not like it hurt me at all, eh?
fuck you, bitch. go run away with your fucking boyfriend.

We started off incredible

Connection undeniable

I swear I thought you were the one forever

But your love was like a loaded gun

You shot me down like everyone

'Cause everyone's replaceable

When you're just so incapable

Of getting past skin deep

Guess what, another game over

I got burned, but you're the real loser

I don't know why I've wasted my time with you

You're bad news, a history repeater

You can't trust a serial cheater

You're good at hooking up but you suck at love

You played me like an amateur

Then stabbed me like a murderer

I'm left for dead, another one of your victims

It's not like you're unpredictable

But your act is so believable

I know it's nothing personal, it's just business as usual

You're good at what you do

Guess what, another game over

I got burned, but you're the real loser

I don't know why I've wasted my time with you

You're bad news, a history repeater

You can't trust a serial cheater

You're good at hooking up but you suck at love

Now I kinda feel bad for you

You're never gonna know

what it's like to have someone to turn to

Another day, another bed

It's just a game inside your head

Guess what, another game over

I got burned, but you're the real loser

I don't know why I've wasted my time with you

You're bad news, a history repeater

You can't trust a serial cheater

You're good at hooking up but you suck at love

Guess what, another game over

I got burned, but you're the real loser

I don't know why I've wasted my time with you

You're bad news, a history repeater

You can't trust a serial cheater

You're good at hooking up but you suck at love

You've messed this whole thing up

Well you were such an awesome fuck

But you suck at love, you suck at love

maybe i was right. just maybe you guys would be a better couple that what her and i are now. she wouldn't be stuck living with me. she would be living at home. happy. not paying anything. she would have someone who treated her decently because she whipped you. she would be free. all i have done is enslaved her in a life that i was forced to take. i didn't want this life, and all i have done is dragged her down with me. you actually cared about her, even when she pushed. you were stronger than me. maybe you guys were, even though a shit relationship, maybe in some fucked up universe, you were meant to be together...                         :(

i feel so stressed right now and it really sucks.
looking at moving out and to a new place, and 
with mcdonald's shitty hours, i'm going to be 
unable to pay my way for a while. i think cait is
feeling the stress, and i know that it is all my 
fault for quitting my job at new world. i hate it. i
hate myself. it's my fault that we're stuck in this

mess and there is nothing i can do about it. i 

can try getting more hours, but no one at work

wants to give theirs up. no one at all. i want to 

work; even if if means split shifts - i'll do it. i just

need those hours. i wish i never did all the 

stupid things i did. my mother was right... :(

i was just going through some of my old facebook messages to...a certain person. and i cringe when i read them. i was (well, still am) young and stupid and fell for his shit. i think about caitlin when i read them, and i feel disgusted, knowing she was just as stupid.
i just wanna go back to you and yell and scream and hate you. i just really do. but unfortunately, i'm still stupid to buy your 'boyish charm' and i can't hate you. i only wanted you as a friend. and because of your 'charm' i still do...
but that is wrong. and i hate myself when i even talk to you. and this has just been building up inside of me for so long. and i just need to get it out. i wish i had never been part of your life. i wish i had never, ever slept with you. i wish i had let caitlin being stupid (and my stomach is dropping, and this is hurting writing this)...i wish you and her got together again so i would have been cut off. so i wouldn't have fallen for either of you. so i didn't have to put myself through everything i have.
i'm not lying when i say i want caitlin. i do. so badly. i'm glad i'm with her. but sometimes, when we talk about you, i just wish she was yours, and not mine.
its a fucked up concept, and i dont understand how it is working in my brain, cause it kinda isn't. it's just something i've been thinking about for a while. i guess, if you and her got together last year, then there would be no cheating, there would be no pain, there would be no lies and the world would be happy once again. my stomach is feeling sick at the thought of her being with another, but i wanna get it out...
i sometimes wonder what life would be like if everything had turned out differently. what would have happened if i didn't leave school? what would have happened if i never went out with you to see that movie? what would have happened if she left josh for you? what would have happened? to all of us?
my thoughts are stupid, and crazy, and i'm just pouring whatever comes to mind, onto this stupid blog. there's so much just bottled inside, but i have no way of releasing it, and it's hurting. it has been hurting for a long time. i just think about how easy it was when i was younger. i was made to grow up too fast, and then meeting you, i tried to be grown up. i tried to be independant. i didn't take every opportunity that was given to me. i've thrown so much away. i hurt....
i hurt so much...
i think about anything and i hurt...
i just want it all to go away...
i want to be happy again...
i want a fresh start...
but that's not going to happen. i have to take everything i can now. 
and this blog isn't making much sense because i've completely changed topics, but that is okay, because everything is just coming out. i want to change. i want to be the person i used to be. i want to be good at everything, instead of giving up, i wanna keep trying. instead of pushing away the ones i love, i wanna hold them close.
come home...baby please...i need you right now. i just want to feel you. to have you. to hear your heart beating. to hear your breathing. 

i need to make an appointment to see my specialist. this sucks. i hate how my body is. no one wants to come near me because of how i am. and it's horrible. the only person i want close and i can't because i'm disgusting. maybe all these problems are because i've gained weight...i don't know. they only arose when i fucked him. and i hate it. no, i don't have an std, i have something else. and i don't know what it is. i just want it to be gone, but it won't...all because i procrastinated when i thought the problem had gone away...i'm just that fucking dumb. i've let a problem get worse...again...and its ruined the part of my life that i want. my life is fine, except for that part.
i'm probably not going to get an appointment with the specialist till next year. i just want my problem to be sorted. i am calling tomorrow and making an appointment and i'm going to get this sorted...aimee wants to 69 once again

Cuz on the street, or under the covers

We are stuck like two pieces of velcro

At the park, in the back of my car

It doesn’t matter what I do,

No, I can’t keep my hands off you

i guess i'm going to have to apologise. i was told that you do actually like me and that i was just reading too far into that blog. i don't know. maybe i was. i guess it's just because you have the life that i always wanted and i'm trying to find every reason to pull you down.
i hate how you judged me. i hate how you think i would go as far to break someone like that. yea, you've seen me angry, and yea, you're entitled to your own opinions, but to post them on an internet blog for everyone to read is a bit harsh. yea, i stooped to your level, and slandered you, and hated you...and now i really wish i could take it all back. you've never done anything to cross me...never, and i return one opinion like this?
i'm sorry :(
i don't even know if you're going to read this...ever, but if you do, just try understand for me.

thank you :(

i should really call the specialist...i've left it for nearly 6 months now...and all i seem to be doing is getting worse. i'm still continuously taking my pill, i therefore should not be having these problems. i'm still in pain. i hate it. i'll call tomorrow.  :(  i've left it too long again.

i don't know why i like this photo...all i know is that i just do :)

<3

I saw this video and it made me cry. I watched the full 4 minutes, feeling what he feels everyday. I understand what it is like to be hated. I understand how much pain you're in. Stay strong. Prove to all the assholes that you are the best. And most of all...

...suicide is never an option

i feel as though i need to keep my mouth shut around you.

like nothing i say or do, really matters.

it sucks, and it hurts. i try so hard for you. but shit happens.

i just need to get over myself.

i've been thinking. i don't really know what about, all i know is that i've been thinking. mainly about you. about the way we are. ashley is kinda right; we need to break it off, but i just can't do it. everytime we do, i just feel like i can't walk away that easily. you mean the world to me, just sometimes it doesn't feel like it. i feel like i'm just your friend again. i think that i need to get this off my chest.

i love you so much, and i wanna be with you, just sometimes, you push me so far, and i can't take it. and it sucks. i care about you so much. and i want you to know that...even when it seems like i'm really shitty with you. i love you.

I just told someone the biggest secret in my life. It hurt to face reality. I've been lying to myself and others for five years. I feel so disgusting when I think about the truth. I felt fine when I hadn't told anyone, but I guess that's because I had been lying to myself for so long that it just felt true. I hate it. I hate myself. But I'm glad that there was someone there that I trusted, to tell them.

i think i have finally and completely turned lesbian :)

i can't even look at a man and a woman kiss on t.v. it makes me feel disgusting.

yet i can watch normal porn? 

i don't know.

hahaha.

straight couples are yucky...

i let you read your fucking book all morning.

i do the dishes, i clean my jumper, i have a shower to keep out of your way so you can finish your book and you repay me with what? getting shitty with me...again.

i know you were texting mike yesterday, i know it was nothing bad...but i hate how you txt him first. i thought i was your girlfriend. am i not meant to come first? that what you always say.

oh well. shit happens. and life sucks.

I decided that I would do a count on all the body modification that I have had done in my life.

Piercings

-Anti Tragus
-Auricle

-Conch

-Finger Webbing

-Helix

-Lobes (x3)

-Navel

-Neck Dermals (x2)

-Nose

-Rook

-Sternum

-Tragus

Tattoos

-Heart on Ankle

-Star on Hand

-Japanese Calligraphy - Strength on Wrist

-A Persons Name on Inside of Wedding Finger

I just read all my previous blog posts. I've thought about them quite a bit.
Nothing has really changed. I regret so many things in my life. 

• The Scars

The scars are the worst thing for me. I was a self harmer from the age of twelve, till only a few months ago. I cut myself, I burnt myself, I pierced myself. These all made me feel better. I became addicted to the pain, and I still occasionally crave it. I couldn't stop. The feelings it released; it was like opening a bottle of coke for the first time.

It was the only thing that I could turn to for a long time. Watching the blood drip off my arms and legs gave me thrills. Seeing my own blood and feeling the sting of the cut after made me feel so alive...

...and now I'm left with horrible scars that I'm going to have to live

with for the rest of my life. But, sadly, I don't have a problem with that at all. The scars are who I am. They tell a story of what I've been through - the suffering, the hardships, the bullying, it has all shaped who I have become now. And since I made that promise, I haven't inflicted anymore pain upon myself. And I am so proud of that. And I hope anyone else who knew about it is. Be proud of me.

• Child Abuse

My parents called it discipline. Hitting their child when they disobeyed, yes. Chinese burning your child when they're cutting, no. I don't know. I always thought I had it bad. I don't. Not compared to some kids out there. They're the ones being beaten close to death. But I guess any kind of violence isn't good. My fathers bad habits seemed to have rubbed off on me. I have a short fuse, and when it blows, it fucking blows. I guess the only upside I have to that, is that, as soon as someone hits me back, I give up. 

I don't think I deserved all the slaps I got. I don't think I deserved death threats. I don't think that I deserved plates being thrown at me for not eating mushrooms. I don't think that I deserved to be kicked out of my home numerous times. I don't think I deserved to be pinned to the wall by the collar of my shirt. I don't think that I deserved my own mother to watch my punishment. I honestly don't think that I deserved any of it. But, obviously I did.

• Bullying

I was bullied at school for being the 'fat kid', when now that I look back at photos of me at that age, I really wasn't all that big at all. And when people grew tired of calling me the fat kid, I turned into Dumbo. I had big sticky-outy ears that my parents saved money for so that one day I could get them surgically pinned back. Dumbo never grew old. I'm still mocked for having big ears. But the worst was when I got to high school. When I came out to someone I thought I could trust. But I was mistaken. It spread around the school like wildfire and I was constantly verbally abused for it. And it sucked.

But now I think I'm a better person after it all. I openly express who I am. I don't give a damn if you like sucking cock when I like licking out vaginas. Seriously. I think that straight people are just weird. Guys are dicks. And I learnt that the hard way - over and over and over again. First, Tim. Second, Sean and last but not least Alex. I've just given up on the male species. My dad didn't help that.

Ugh. I don't know what the hell I just wrote, and I honestly don't care anymore. I think maybe my life is starting to get itself back on track. Maybe? I still feel those urges to cut. I still get violent and blame my dad. And I'm still a lesbian. 

What a waste of time...

yea, cause i can REALLY see how ALL her blogs are bitching about you. mine are all bitching about you, but not hers. so SHUTTHEFUCKUPSTUPIDDUMBBITCH!

i don't even know what to write anymore. i come home in a shit mood every fucking day. i hate my job. i hate the people there. i hate being told what to do every five seconds. i hate going to work. when i sit on the train, i often hope that it derails and causes huge injury.

i'm fucked up in the head.i can sit for ten minutes, and the next thing you know, i'm verging on crying. i don't know why. it sucks. i just wish i could crawl into a bed and have someone hold me while i cry. it would be nice.

"Keep calm and 

...Carry on..."

i know it's faded, but it still means a lot to me

i hate how i screwed up my life. i've made so many wrong decisions. i came out when i shouldn't have. i dropped out of high school. i quit my job. i dropped out of polytech. i'm just a huge fuck up. all i've ever done is brought misery to those around me. people think i'm pathetic. i know for a fact that you have called me pathetic. i'm kinda dating your sister, so i know things. i just hate how i get judged for everything i do. i'm young and have no qualifications. i was brought up in an abusive household and my personality reflects that. i have scars up my wrists and i'm ashamed of them. i'm just thinking up of more and more reasons to hate you and more and more reasons to hate myself. every time i think of you i begin to hate myself even more. you always know exactly how to point out my flaws, and how to make it hurt. if only there was a way to do the same thing to you.

breathe...breathe...breathe....
be the mature one. ignore the bitch. don't let her get you down. be strong. remember your tattoo. ignore her. be strong, aimee. 

i hate you at the moment. i really, fully hate you at the moment. i hope you fucking read this, cause i know if you really want to read this, you will. i know i can read yours. you think i was the one that broke her arm? do you know really think that i would do such a thing? yea, i've hurt people before, but i would never, ever hurt her to that extent.

i hate how you think you know what our relationship is like. i hate how you think that's the reason you don't come around here...cause it's not! we don't want you sitting here using our power, our internet, our food and wasting our time!

i hate how you complain about being poor when the only expense you have is that fucking car! you complain and complain and complain! i live properly,i pay for this, i pay for that, i have no money at the end of the week. 

you've turned into such a little slut and i hate that...the world HAS to revolve around you, but i'm sorry, love, it doesn't...so get your nose out of my fucking life...i didn't ask for it to be there in the first place...

and by the way, your dad isn't really disappointed with you, well he is. it's because he knows you can do so much better...you've done what i did. you've slacked off...go fuck your self mother fucker....

"i can't stand this any longer. i think the only person who knows how it really is apart from yourselves, is me. you two can't be together, you can't say you're together when you're tearing each other apart like that. i don't know what it is, there's no way that's love when your hitting, punching and smashing each others heads against walls. living together is fucking you up. i'm so sick of hearing about the abuse, it sickens me. there's a reason i stopped staying there, i don't want to see it, and it's bad enough that i have to hear about it. it has to stop, before one of you kills each other, and i'm being serious. you act like 5 year olds, and you're older than me, for fuck's sake. i hate seeing you like this, because you're both such beautiful people, but you need to get out of it. sort yourselves out. when she broke her elbow the first thing i thought of was that you did it, in a fight. i still somehow don't believe she just fell, knowing what i know about how you are, but i'll never be sure. i'm not surprised how things have turned out from the way we were brought up, because for fuck's sake she's my own fucking sister, i know her inside out, and i love her to bits, but she's too fucking much like our mother for her own good."

i don't like people who judge who i am...my dad made me the way i am...i try staying calm...i try walking away...and i still get accused of being the bad guy...

i'm not too sure what was up with you yesterday. you knew i was in a bad mood, and i apologised before i got home for it. but telling me that you'd cheated on me just to take your anger out on me isn't the way to go.

you know i already have limited trust in you, and for you to say that to me really, really hurt. yea, i should have walked away, but it made me so mad...i wanted to hurt you, so you could feel my pain...walk in my shoes...i got off and tried to run away, knowing what i had done was wrong, and you come and attack me...literally attack me!!

i don't know what i had done to deserve that. when i get violent, i only lash out a few times before it's just a waste of my time, but when i curled up in a ball, you kept attacking...abusing. it hurt. the next times i hit you, they were out of self defence.

no way in the world did i deserve a knife to be held to my throat. no way did i deserve to have my head bashed against a wall over and over and over again. no way did i deserve to be hit, slapped, bitten, scratched, punched...

what did i do to deserve such punishment? i hit you once out of anger and walked away...and you beat me for a solid twenty minutes...

and the saddest thing is...

...i still took you back...

i can't help myself...i can't stop thinking about you...even when i want to push you away, you always come back, or always make me feel like i have to be there for you. i'm not complaining, it's just, i feel like you're always going to be a part of my life.

my mind has been screaming at me for so long that i don't want to let you go, but i think it's just a little bit weird. we've only been together for ten months, but it honestly feels so much longer than that. i don't want anyone else. i don't want you to have anyone else...but i know that one day you'll want to move on and you'll forget about me, and the times we had...

i keep having these dreams that i'll make you mine forever...but we both know that's just a fantasy...

the start of a new blog. a fresh start for me. or, maybe not.