i was just going through some of my old facebook messages to...a certain person. and i cringe when i read them. i was (well, still am) young and stupid and fell for his shit. i think about caitlin when i read them, and i feel disgusted, knowing she was just as stupid.
i just wanna go back to you and yell and scream and hate you. i just really do. but unfortunately, i'm still stupid to buy your 'boyish charm' and i can't hate you. i only wanted you as a friend. and because of your 'charm' i still do...
but that is wrong. and i hate myself when i even talk to you. and this has just been building up inside of me for so long. and i just need to get it out. i wish i had never been part of your life. i wish i had never, ever slept with you. i wish i had let caitlin being stupid (and my stomach is dropping, and this is hurting writing this)...i wish you and her got together again so i would have been cut off. so i wouldn't have fallen for either of you. so i didn't have to put myself through everything i have.
i'm not lying when i say i want caitlin. i do. so badly. i'm glad i'm with her. but sometimes, when we talk about you, i just wish she was yours, and not mine.
its a fucked up concept, and i dont understand how it is working in my brain, cause it kinda isn't. it's just something i've been thinking about for a while. i guess, if you and her got together last year, then there would be no cheating, there would be no pain, there would be no lies and the world would be happy once again. my stomach is feeling sick at the thought of her being with another, but i wanna get it out...
i sometimes wonder what life would be like if everything had turned out differently. what would have happened if i didn't leave school? what would have happened if i never went out with you to see that movie? what would have happened if she left josh for you? what would have happened? to all of us?
my thoughts are stupid, and crazy, and i'm just pouring whatever comes to mind, onto this stupid blog. there's so much just bottled inside, but i have no way of releasing it, and it's hurting. it has been hurting for a long time. i just think about how easy it was when i was younger. i was made to grow up too fast, and then meeting you, i tried to be grown up. i tried to be independant. i didn't take every opportunity that was given to me. i've thrown so much away. i hurt....
i hurt so much...
i think about anything and i hurt...
i just want it all to go away...
i want to be happy again...
i want a fresh start...
but that's not going to happen. i have to take everything i can now. 
and this blog isn't making much sense because i've completely changed topics, but that is okay, because everything is just coming out. i want to change. i want to be the person i used to be. i want to be good at everything, instead of giving up, i wanna keep trying. instead of pushing away the ones i love, i wanna hold them close.
come home...baby please...i need you right now. i just want to feel you. to have you. to hear your heart beating. to hear your breathing.