i think i have finally and completely turned lesbian :)

i can't even look at a man and a woman kiss on t.v. it makes me feel disgusting.

yet i can watch normal porn? 

i don't know.

hahaha.

straight couples are yucky...

i let you read your fucking book all morning.

i do the dishes, i clean my jumper, i have a shower to keep out of your way so you can finish your book and you repay me with what? getting shitty with me...again.

i know you were texting mike yesterday, i know it was nothing bad...but i hate how you txt him first. i thought i was your girlfriend. am i not meant to come first? that what you always say.

oh well. shit happens. and life sucks.

I decided that I would do a count on all the body modification that I have had done in my life.

Piercings

-Anti Tragus
-Auricle

-Conch

-Finger Webbing

-Helix

-Lobes (x3)

-Navel

-Neck Dermals (x2)

-Nose

-Rook

-Sternum

-Tragus

Tattoos

-Heart on Ankle

-Star on Hand

-Japanese Calligraphy - Strength on Wrist

-A Persons Name on Inside of Wedding Finger

I just read all my previous blog posts. I've thought about them quite a bit.
Nothing has really changed. I regret so many things in my life. 

• The Scars

The scars are the worst thing for me. I was a self harmer from the age of twelve, till only a few months ago. I cut myself, I burnt myself, I pierced myself. These all made me feel better. I became addicted to the pain, and I still occasionally crave it. I couldn't stop. The feelings it released; it was like opening a bottle of coke for the first time.

It was the only thing that I could turn to for a long time. Watching the blood drip off my arms and legs gave me thrills. Seeing my own blood and feeling the sting of the cut after made me feel so alive...

...and now I'm left with horrible scars that I'm going to have to live

with for the rest of my life. But, sadly, I don't have a problem with that at all. The scars are who I am. They tell a story of what I've been through - the suffering, the hardships, the bullying, it has all shaped who I have become now. And since I made that promise, I haven't inflicted anymore pain upon myself. And I am so proud of that. And I hope anyone else who knew about it is. Be proud of me.

• Child Abuse

My parents called it discipline. Hitting their child when they disobeyed, yes. Chinese burning your child when they're cutting, no. I don't know. I always thought I had it bad. I don't. Not compared to some kids out there. They're the ones being beaten close to death. But I guess any kind of violence isn't good. My fathers bad habits seemed to have rubbed off on me. I have a short fuse, and when it blows, it fucking blows. I guess the only upside I have to that, is that, as soon as someone hits me back, I give up. 

I don't think I deserved all the slaps I got. I don't think I deserved death threats. I don't think that I deserved plates being thrown at me for not eating mushrooms. I don't think that I deserved to be kicked out of my home numerous times. I don't think I deserved to be pinned to the wall by the collar of my shirt. I don't think that I deserved my own mother to watch my punishment. I honestly don't think that I deserved any of it. But, obviously I did.

• Bullying

I was bullied at school for being the 'fat kid', when now that I look back at photos of me at that age, I really wasn't all that big at all. And when people grew tired of calling me the fat kid, I turned into Dumbo. I had big sticky-outy ears that my parents saved money for so that one day I could get them surgically pinned back. Dumbo never grew old. I'm still mocked for having big ears. But the worst was when I got to high school. When I came out to someone I thought I could trust. But I was mistaken. It spread around the school like wildfire and I was constantly verbally abused for it. And it sucked.

But now I think I'm a better person after it all. I openly express who I am. I don't give a damn if you like sucking cock when I like licking out vaginas. Seriously. I think that straight people are just weird. Guys are dicks. And I learnt that the hard way - over and over and over again. First, Tim. Second, Sean and last but not least Alex. I've just given up on the male species. My dad didn't help that.

Ugh. I don't know what the hell I just wrote, and I honestly don't care anymore. I think maybe my life is starting to get itself back on track. Maybe? I still feel those urges to cut. I still get violent and blame my dad. And I'm still a lesbian. 

What a waste of time...

yea, cause i can REALLY see how ALL her blogs are bitching about you. mine are all bitching about you, but not hers. so SHUTTHEFUCKUPSTUPIDDUMBBITCH!

i don't even know what to write anymore. i come home in a shit mood every fucking day. i hate my job. i hate the people there. i hate being told what to do every five seconds. i hate going to work. when i sit on the train, i often hope that it derails and causes huge injury.

i'm fucked up in the head.i can sit for ten minutes, and the next thing you know, i'm verging on crying. i don't know why. it sucks. i just wish i could crawl into a bed and have someone hold me while i cry. it would be nice.

"Keep calm and 

...Carry on..."

i know it's faded, but it still means a lot to me

i hate how i screwed up my life. i've made so many wrong decisions. i came out when i shouldn't have. i dropped out of high school. i quit my job. i dropped out of polytech. i'm just a huge fuck up. all i've ever done is brought misery to those around me. people think i'm pathetic. i know for a fact that you have called me pathetic. i'm kinda dating your sister, so i know things. i just hate how i get judged for everything i do. i'm young and have no qualifications. i was brought up in an abusive household and my personality reflects that. i have scars up my wrists and i'm ashamed of them. i'm just thinking up of more and more reasons to hate you and more and more reasons to hate myself. every time i think of you i begin to hate myself even more. you always know exactly how to point out my flaws, and how to make it hurt. if only there was a way to do the same thing to you.

breathe...breathe...breathe....
be the mature one. ignore the bitch. don't let her get you down. be strong. remember your tattoo. ignore her. be strong, aimee. 

i hate you at the moment. i really, fully hate you at the moment. i hope you fucking read this, cause i know if you really want to read this, you will. i know i can read yours. you think i was the one that broke her arm? do you know really think that i would do such a thing? yea, i've hurt people before, but i would never, ever hurt her to that extent.

i hate how you think you know what our relationship is like. i hate how you think that's the reason you don't come around here...cause it's not! we don't want you sitting here using our power, our internet, our food and wasting our time!

i hate how you complain about being poor when the only expense you have is that fucking car! you complain and complain and complain! i live properly,i pay for this, i pay for that, i have no money at the end of the week. 

you've turned into such a little slut and i hate that...the world HAS to revolve around you, but i'm sorry, love, it doesn't...so get your nose out of my fucking life...i didn't ask for it to be there in the first place...

and by the way, your dad isn't really disappointed with you, well he is. it's because he knows you can do so much better...you've done what i did. you've slacked off...go fuck your self mother fucker....

"i can't stand this any longer. i think the only person who knows how it really is apart from yourselves, is me. you two can't be together, you can't say you're together when you're tearing each other apart like that. i don't know what it is, there's no way that's love when your hitting, punching and smashing each others heads against walls. living together is fucking you up. i'm so sick of hearing about the abuse, it sickens me. there's a reason i stopped staying there, i don't want to see it, and it's bad enough that i have to hear about it. it has to stop, before one of you kills each other, and i'm being serious. you act like 5 year olds, and you're older than me, for fuck's sake. i hate seeing you like this, because you're both such beautiful people, but you need to get out of it. sort yourselves out. when she broke her elbow the first thing i thought of was that you did it, in a fight. i still somehow don't believe she just fell, knowing what i know about how you are, but i'll never be sure. i'm not surprised how things have turned out from the way we were brought up, because for fuck's sake she's my own fucking sister, i know her inside out, and i love her to bits, but she's too fucking much like our mother for her own good."

i don't like people who judge who i am...my dad made me the way i am...i try staying calm...i try walking away...and i still get accused of being the bad guy...

i'm not too sure what was up with you yesterday. you knew i was in a bad mood, and i apologised before i got home for it. but telling me that you'd cheated on me just to take your anger out on me isn't the way to go.

you know i already have limited trust in you, and for you to say that to me really, really hurt. yea, i should have walked away, but it made me so mad...i wanted to hurt you, so you could feel my pain...walk in my shoes...i got off and tried to run away, knowing what i had done was wrong, and you come and attack me...literally attack me!!

i don't know what i had done to deserve that. when i get violent, i only lash out a few times before it's just a waste of my time, but when i curled up in a ball, you kept attacking...abusing. it hurt. the next times i hit you, they were out of self defence.

no way in the world did i deserve a knife to be held to my throat. no way did i deserve to have my head bashed against a wall over and over and over again. no way did i deserve to be hit, slapped, bitten, scratched, punched...

what did i do to deserve such punishment? i hit you once out of anger and walked away...and you beat me for a solid twenty minutes...

and the saddest thing is...

...i still took you back...

i can't help myself...i can't stop thinking about you...even when i want to push you away, you always come back, or always make me feel like i have to be there for you. i'm not complaining, it's just, i feel like you're always going to be a part of my life.

my mind has been screaming at me for so long that i don't want to let you go, but i think it's just a little bit weird. we've only been together for ten months, but it honestly feels so much longer than that. i don't want anyone else. i don't want you to have anyone else...but i know that one day you'll want to move on and you'll forget about me, and the times we had...

i keep having these dreams that i'll make you mine forever...but we both know that's just a fantasy...

the start of a new blog. a fresh start for me. or, maybe not.