Nothing has really changed. I regret so many things in my life.
- The Scars
The scars are the worst thing for me. I was a self harmer from the age of twelve, till only a few months ago. I cut myself, I burnt myself, I pierced myself. These all made me feel better. I became addicted to the pain, and I still occasionally crave it. I couldn't stop. The feelings it released; it was like opening a bottle of coke for the first time.
It was the only thing that I could turn to for a long time. Watching the blood drip off my arms and legs gave me thrills. Seeing my own blood and feeling the sting of the cut after made me feel so alive...
...and now I'm left with horrible scars that I'm going to have to live
with for the rest of my life. But, sadly, I don't have a problem with that at all. The scars are who I am. They tell a story of what I've been through - the suffering, the hardships, the bullying, it has all shaped who I have become now. And since I made that promise, I haven't inflicted anymore pain upon myself. And I am so proud of that. And I hope anyone else who knew about it is. Be proud of me.
- Child Abuse
My parents called it discipline. Hitting their child when they disobeyed, yes. Chinese burning your child when they're cutting, no. I don't know. I always thought I had it bad. I don't. Not compared to some kids out there. They're the ones being beaten close to death. But I guess any kind of violence isn't good. My fathers bad habits seemed to have rubbed off on me. I have a short fuse, and when it blows, it fucking blows. I guess the only upside I have to that, is that, as soon as someone hits me back, I give up.
I don't think I deserved all the slaps I got. I don't think I deserved death threats. I don't think that I deserved plates being thrown at me for not eating mushrooms. I don't think that I deserved to be kicked out of my home numerous times. I don't think I deserved to be pinned to the wall by the collar of my shirt. I don't think that I deserved my own mother to watch my punishment. I honestly don't think that I deserved any of it. But, obviously I did.
- Bullying
I was bullied at school for being the 'fat kid', when now that I look back at photos of me at that age, I really wasn't all that big at all. And when people grew tired of calling me the fat kid, I turned into Dumbo. I had big sticky-outy ears that my parents saved money for so that one day I could get them surgically pinned back. Dumbo never grew old. I'm still mocked for having big ears. But the worst was when I got to high school. When I came out to someone I thought I could trust. But I was mistaken. It spread around the school like wildfire and I was constantly verbally abused for it. And it sucked.
But now I think I'm a better person after it all. I openly express who I am. I don't give a damn if you like sucking cock when I like licking out vaginas. Seriously. I think that straight people are just weird. Guys are dicks. And I learnt that the hard way - over and over and over again. First, Tim. Second, Sean and last but not least Alex. I've just given up on the male species. My dad didn't help that.
Ugh. I don't know what the hell I just wrote, and I honestly don't care anymore. I think maybe my life is starting to get itself back on track. Maybe? I still feel those urges to cut. I still get violent and blame my dad. And I'm still a lesbian.
What a waste of time...
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