i just wanna vent about this girl i work with.

she's only just turned seventeen and she's already been engaged for seven months.

i was stalking her facebook. all she is, is a whore. i mean, seriously, if you think having your tongue down your 'fiance's' throat is love, then i think you're seriously deluded. i don't think you understand. you're so young and naive, and all he wants is sex.

i don't feel happy anymore. i don't know why, all i know is that my mind is playing with me again and things that should make me happy, aren't. i'm not okay. and with our conversation last night, it's just shattering my heart; slowly and painfully. and i don't like that.
things haven't been right between us for so long, and you know you're everything i want right now, and i know that the same for you, but if i'm not 100% what you want, then you should leave right now. i don't want my heart to be broken slowly, i'd rather it just shattered on the spot. i love you like there's no tomorrow, but i know i'm only your friend. things will never be right between us. we don't work as just friends, but we don't work as anything more. i want you. i want you in my life. i just don't know.

why does it feel as though you are with me, only to keep me happy?

i has your ring and it on my necklace. i don't see it moving from there anytime soon :)

i love you bub xoxox

don't go asking me shit like 'what would you do if i had feelings for someone else' because it hurts. ok. it makes me wonder why you're asking shit like that. i can't get out of you who your little crush is, but i know there is one. you go to work all dressed up; you're becoming more and more distant and you're asking questions like this. i just wanna know who it is...and 'cute hair guy' who you've never seen their face doesn't count. i know there is someone, i just don't know who yet...

i try do one thing you wanted done and you make it seem like i'm incapable. then you go ahead and hang up on me...three times...gee thanks. i miss you and i'm trying to do something for you...but no. but thats ok. not like it hurt me at all, eh?
fuck you, bitch. go run away with your fucking boyfriend.

We started off incredible

Connection undeniable

I swear I thought you were the one forever

But your love was like a loaded gun

You shot me down like everyone

'Cause everyone's replaceable

When you're just so incapable

Of getting past skin deep

Guess what, another game over

I got burned, but you're the real loser

I don't know why I've wasted my time with you

You're bad news, a history repeater

You can't trust a serial cheater

You're good at hooking up but you suck at love

You played me like an amateur

Then stabbed me like a murderer

I'm left for dead, another one of your victims

It's not like you're unpredictable

But your act is so believable

I know it's nothing personal, it's just business as usual

You're good at what you do

Guess what, another game over

I got burned, but you're the real loser

I don't know why I've wasted my time with you

You're bad news, a history repeater

You can't trust a serial cheater

You're good at hooking up but you suck at love

Now I kinda feel bad for you

You're never gonna know

what it's like to have someone to turn to

Another day, another bed

It's just a game inside your head

Guess what, another game over

I got burned, but you're the real loser

I don't know why I've wasted my time with you

You're bad news, a history repeater

You can't trust a serial cheater

You're good at hooking up but you suck at love

Guess what, another game over

I got burned, but you're the real loser

I don't know why I've wasted my time with you

You're bad news, a history repeater

You can't trust a serial cheater

You're good at hooking up but you suck at love

You've messed this whole thing up

Well you were such an awesome fuck

But you suck at love, you suck at love

maybe i was right. just maybe you guys would be a better couple that what her and i are now. she wouldn't be stuck living with me. she would be living at home. happy. not paying anything. she would have someone who treated her decently because she whipped you. she would be free. all i have done is enslaved her in a life that i was forced to take. i didn't want this life, and all i have done is dragged her down with me. you actually cared about her, even when she pushed. you were stronger than me. maybe you guys were, even though a shit relationship, maybe in some fucked up universe, you were meant to be together...                         :(

i feel so stressed right now and it really sucks.
looking at moving out and to a new place, and 
with mcdonald's shitty hours, i'm going to be 
unable to pay my way for a while. i think cait is
feeling the stress, and i know that it is all my 
fault for quitting my job at new world. i hate it. i
hate myself. it's my fault that we're stuck in this

mess and there is nothing i can do about it. i 

can try getting more hours, but no one at work

wants to give theirs up. no one at all. i want to 

work; even if if means split shifts - i'll do it. i just

need those hours. i wish i never did all the 

stupid things i did. my mother was right... :(

i was just going through some of my old facebook messages to...a certain person. and i cringe when i read them. i was (well, still am) young and stupid and fell for his shit. i think about caitlin when i read them, and i feel disgusted, knowing she was just as stupid.
i just wanna go back to you and yell and scream and hate you. i just really do. but unfortunately, i'm still stupid to buy your 'boyish charm' and i can't hate you. i only wanted you as a friend. and because of your 'charm' i still do...
but that is wrong. and i hate myself when i even talk to you. and this has just been building up inside of me for so long. and i just need to get it out. i wish i had never been part of your life. i wish i had never, ever slept with you. i wish i had let caitlin being stupid (and my stomach is dropping, and this is hurting writing this)...i wish you and her got together again so i would have been cut off. so i wouldn't have fallen for either of you. so i didn't have to put myself through everything i have.
i'm not lying when i say i want caitlin. i do. so badly. i'm glad i'm with her. but sometimes, when we talk about you, i just wish she was yours, and not mine.
its a fucked up concept, and i dont understand how it is working in my brain, cause it kinda isn't. it's just something i've been thinking about for a while. i guess, if you and her got together last year, then there would be no cheating, there would be no pain, there would be no lies and the world would be happy once again. my stomach is feeling sick at the thought of her being with another, but i wanna get it out...
i sometimes wonder what life would be like if everything had turned out differently. what would have happened if i didn't leave school? what would have happened if i never went out with you to see that movie? what would have happened if she left josh for you? what would have happened? to all of us?
my thoughts are stupid, and crazy, and i'm just pouring whatever comes to mind, onto this stupid blog. there's so much just bottled inside, but i have no way of releasing it, and it's hurting. it has been hurting for a long time. i just think about how easy it was when i was younger. i was made to grow up too fast, and then meeting you, i tried to be grown up. i tried to be independant. i didn't take every opportunity that was given to me. i've thrown so much away. i hurt....
i hurt so much...
i think about anything and i hurt...
i just want it all to go away...
i want to be happy again...
i want a fresh start...
but that's not going to happen. i have to take everything i can now. 
and this blog isn't making much sense because i've completely changed topics, but that is okay, because everything is just coming out. i want to change. i want to be the person i used to be. i want to be good at everything, instead of giving up, i wanna keep trying. instead of pushing away the ones i love, i wanna hold them close.
come home...baby please...i need you right now. i just want to feel you. to have you. to hear your heart beating. to hear your breathing. 

i need to make an appointment to see my specialist. this sucks. i hate how my body is. no one wants to come near me because of how i am. and it's horrible. the only person i want close and i can't because i'm disgusting. maybe all these problems are because i've gained weight...i don't know. they only arose when i fucked him. and i hate it. no, i don't have an std, i have something else. and i don't know what it is. i just want it to be gone, but it won't...all because i procrastinated when i thought the problem had gone away...i'm just that fucking dumb. i've let a problem get worse...again...and its ruined the part of my life that i want. my life is fine, except for that part.
i'm probably not going to get an appointment with the specialist till next year. i just want my problem to be sorted. i am calling tomorrow and making an appointment and i'm going to get this sorted...aimee wants to 69 once again

Cuz on the street, or under the covers

We are stuck like two pieces of velcro

At the park, in the back of my car

It doesn’t matter what I do,

No, I can’t keep my hands off you

i guess i'm going to have to apologise. i was told that you do actually like me and that i was just reading too far into that blog. i don't know. maybe i was. i guess it's just because you have the life that i always wanted and i'm trying to find every reason to pull you down.
i hate how you judged me. i hate how you think i would go as far to break someone like that. yea, you've seen me angry, and yea, you're entitled to your own opinions, but to post them on an internet blog for everyone to read is a bit harsh. yea, i stooped to your level, and slandered you, and hated you...and now i really wish i could take it all back. you've never done anything to cross me...never, and i return one opinion like this?
i'm sorry :(
i don't even know if you're going to read this...ever, but if you do, just try understand for me.

thank you :(

i should really call the specialist...i've left it for nearly 6 months now...and all i seem to be doing is getting worse. i'm still continuously taking my pill, i therefore should not be having these problems. i'm still in pain. i hate it. i'll call tomorrow.  :(  i've left it too long again.

i don't know why i like this photo...all i know is that i just do :)

<3

I saw this video and it made me cry. I watched the full 4 minutes, feeling what he feels everyday. I understand what it is like to be hated. I understand how much pain you're in. Stay strong. Prove to all the assholes that you are the best. And most of all...

...suicide is never an option

i feel as though i need to keep my mouth shut around you.

like nothing i say or do, really matters.

it sucks, and it hurts. i try so hard for you. but shit happens.

i just need to get over myself.

i've been thinking. i don't really know what about, all i know is that i've been thinking. mainly about you. about the way we are. ashley is kinda right; we need to break it off, but i just can't do it. everytime we do, i just feel like i can't walk away that easily. you mean the world to me, just sometimes it doesn't feel like it. i feel like i'm just your friend again. i think that i need to get this off my chest.

i love you so much, and i wanna be with you, just sometimes, you push me so far, and i can't take it. and it sucks. i care about you so much. and i want you to know that...even when it seems like i'm really shitty with you. i love you.

I just told someone the biggest secret in my life. It hurt to face reality. I've been lying to myself and others for five years. I feel so disgusting when I think about the truth. I felt fine when I hadn't told anyone, but I guess that's because I had been lying to myself for so long that it just felt true. I hate it. I hate myself. But I'm glad that there was someone there that I trusted, to tell them.